During the day I was so tired and Levi wasn't listening to me at all. All I could think was "please just obey me for once you ungrateful child." In the evening, we were home but we still had about 4 hours to go until bedtime for Levi and I was at the end of my rope with him. He kept throwing fits and was still not obeying me. I had to discipline him several times, and then I snapped. I yelled at him and scared him. I was so in the wrong. I had lost it completely and taken it out on a 2 year old. He was just being 2. I know that he is going to be disobedient, and I am just supposed to direct him and bring him up in the ways of Christ. My flesh just completely took over.
That night as I tucked him in the bed, all I could do was ask him for forgiveness. I told him that when mommy raised her voice at him she was wrong to do that. He said he forgave me as well as he could and hugged me and gave me a big kiss.
The next morning when I went in his room to get him up and ready for church, and all I heard when I opened the door was "MOMMY!!!! Hi mommy!!!" He had completely forgotten about the day before. He didn't even remember the incident. I couldn't believe it. He still loved me, despite how wrong I had treated him. I was so thankful that he had really forgotten. During church there was amazing worship and I was trying to sing a song that I had sung a ton of times and I couldn't get it out without balling. It was the song "Inside Out" and the first line is
"A thousand times I've failed, yet your mercy remains"
I couldn't sing it. My son had shown me God. God was talking to me through my 2 year old. All I could hear Him saying was that He loved me. After all the mistakes I make, He forgives me when I come to Him and talk about it and ask. My son had shown me the unconditional love that God has for me. All the times that I mess up and my flesh takes over, He is there. His mercy remains. I am so thankful.
I constantly struggle with my temper and suppressing it. I am far from a perfect mother, but I am doing the best I can and learning from my mistakes. I do know that I love my son so much and never want to hurt him. What a lesson this has been.