Monday, March 3, 2008
I'm lost. I am that soccer mom that is hiding out trying to figure out her place in this world. I have so many struggles right now. I actually feel like I might be loosing it a bit. I just don't know if there is enough space in this little blog post box to get it all out. Blogging might be my therapist right now.
-Fell like I don't have an identity
-Don't have the motivation to be the best mom I could be
-Have so much to say but feel like no ones listening
-know where to go for help, but won't go
-The Bible stares at me all day but I don't have the desire to read it
-Don't feel pretty at all no matter how much my husband tells me I am
-So badly want to be accepted by everyone
-Feel like I don't have any talents
-Dreams to be so many things that I am not
-No contentment with anything
-Want to eat all the time
-Husband isn't home much
So these are just a few of the demons that are trying to overtake my life. I am literally drowning in this suburb. I feel like I need to get out. I live for vacations because I don't have to have responsibility.
But here's the question.....once I get out, my issues will still be there. They are in my heart, deep. You see, I have this friend that is getting worked on. She is doing the things she needs to do in order to fix her heart. There is a night at our church where people come together and love on each other and work through the issues that haunt them. Recovery....how many excuses have I come up with on why I can't make it. Robby's not not home, what if there problems are so much more significant than mine, I think I am just complaining, too tired. You name it, I have the excuse.
So I read a blog from my Pastors wife, Lauren. I envy her. Not because she has it all together, but because she admits she doesn't. One of her entries was about the "Question that saved her marriage" The question was "How?" How do we get this all right? Will I be trying to find that answer my whole life? I want the answer now! (Another struggle...patience)
I want to be that woman who knows she is a beautiful, loved child of God, but I don't see the light at the end. I'm just slowly fading into this land of want. Hopefully soon the light will slowly fade into view.